This is How I Feel
Updated: Apr 26, 2020
When I got the first text, I ignored it. The 2nd text came and I knew it was serious. Each text was telling me that my cousin was in the hospital. Two texts, two days apart and yet I didn't feel an urgency to see my cousin. Don't start judging me but my cousin and I do not have the greatest relationship. Where do I start? My cousin and her mom did not get along. You can almost say it was a hate to hate relationship. You see, my Aunt was color-struck. If you were not a certain "lightness" she didn't like you. You can be her child or family member, she didn't care, but I was an exception. I wasn't light or nor was I dark. I am as Goldilocks would say, "Just right."
My Aunt grew up in Mississippi and she had been taught what I like to call colorism. "Colorism" is that a word? Maybe, maybe not. I define colorism as a person who dislikes or likes people according to their skin color. Everyone could see that my Aunt treated some of her children different from others. Her light skinned children could do no wrong, but she spit venom at her brownies (brown skin children) like a viper snake. Somehow she bent the rules for me and I made the cut. So because I made the cut, my cousin despised me. She would ask me, "Why do my mama like you? You ain't light skin." As a child, I was well aware of the dislike my cousin had for me. She would say mean things about my mama and then say I was just like her. As a child, this can mess with your psyche. So to this day, my cousin's close family do not understand why our relationship is so rocky. After I became grown, I could not forgive her for how she treated me. To be honest, she really messed me up. She could not understand how her mom loved me more than her. She even asked me why her mom felt that way, what type of answer do you give to that question?
When I became a Christian, I knew I had to forgive her. She caused me much pain but in order for me to move on, I had to ask her forgiveness. See I had done some things as a child to get even with her. I have called her out her name to her face and one time we had a fight. Yes, she was grown and I was a child but she didn't care about that. I wouldn't hit her because I was taught to respect my elders. I just kept her from really hurting me. So we talked about what happened in the past and we forgave each other.
So here we are today in the year 2020, and I still feel some kind of way. Just the past year, I had stopped visiting my cousin. I thought we were beginning to like each other and then she got mad at me over a goodwill act I did for her. I was floored. It broke my heart all over again because I actually thought our bad days were behind us. So I distanced myself from her. That is the only way I know how to protect my heart from people like her. Was I right to protect myself, yes.
Now, she is nearing the end of her life. I go see her. She remembers me. When I walk in the hospital room I tear up. I want to cry for the relationship we never had. There were laughs we could have shared but instead hateful words were spoken. Places we could have went to but instead we distanced ourselves. As I sit with her, she fades in and out. She calls out names and sees people that are not there. Then I notice something, she NEVER said her own daughter's name. My cousin never got along with her own daughter. Why? There is a generational curse in our family between mothers and daughters. My Aunt never got