My tears wet my face like a walk in a summer rainfall as I held your ashes today. I felt the pressure of your body one more time. Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, that's all I have left of you my sweet darling. How do you replace the person who took up so much of your heart? You were the one that put joy and laughter in my day. I could tell you my secrets and knew you wouldn't betray me. Your body language and eyes could tell me what was on your mind without you saying a word. Our hearts were connected by love. Even death couldn't break that connection. How I long to see you one more time. To feel your soft touch on my face and to pick you up and throw you over my shoulder. You would stretch out and trust that I wouldn't let you fall. I would hold your feet and whisper in your ear, "I will never let you fall, I will never hurt you. I got you Babes."
July 4th, 2020 is a day that is burned in my heart. I made a decision that affected the rest of my life. A decision that I dreaded since the moment I realized how much my heart was wrapped around you. I have carried the guilt of making the decision to end your life for a whole year. A whole year of replaying in my mind, how I could have saved you. I know I did what was best for you but was it best for me? How do you make the decision to kill someone you love? Why couldn't death have fully did its job? I was so torn up in the inside knowing that I was breaking a promise to you. I promised to NEVER hurt you and then I made the decision that would cause you to lose your life. I didn't even have the nerve to stay with you until the end. I allowed some stranger to comfort you because I didn't want to feel your life leave your body. Coward! This is what I have carried in my heart for a whole year. I have had private breakdowns and there has not been ONE day that I didn't think of you. I can't talk about you to others as I would if I had lost a son. Everyone doesn't understand the perfect love a person has with their pets. My grief is no more lessen because you were a cat. I was the first person to hold you and the first person you seen when your eyes opened as a kitten. You never let anyone else touch you but me and the vet. You belonged to me and I belonged to you. There will never be another Baby Babes.
Today on your anniversary, I am going to cry until I am dehydrated. Then I am going to wipe my face and look for an orange butterfly. The day they brought your ashes to me an orange butterfly appeared. This butterfly flew around my face trying to land. I knew it was you. I asked God for a final touch from you. You have loved touching my face since you were a kitten. I would wake up and feel you touching my face with your paw. You were so gentle. I haven't see an orange butterfly since that day. Hopefully today, you will come down from your heavenly scratch post and fly in your butterfly form so that I can say hello.
For those reading this blog, my loss was my cat, but who have you lost? A mother, friend, child, spouse or a close relative? Whoever brings tears to your eyes as you think about them, that's the person you will never forget. That person impacted your life in such a way that they will be unforgettable. Death might take our loved ones but the love and memories can never be erased. We must be cautious because grief will cause idolatry to lodge in our heart. We will become angry at God and even think of suicide. How many people have said, "I can't live without_________" The only person we can't live without is God! I am going to be transparent, grief caused me to say that life wasn't worth living without my Babes. I didn't see the point of living without my friend and companion. I still have 3 more cats after he died, but that didn't matter. I didn't have him. Lord, help us to always remember that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Every one we love is yours. Jesus, you grieve when a soul is lost to a burning hell, because that person never made the decision to accept you as their Savior. I know heaven rejoices at the conversion of a sinner but do they grieve when a person makes their bed in hell? I am sure they do.
To my readers, I encourage you to allow those tears to fall, those shouts to come out but don't give up living. Your life is a gift from God and no matter who you loss, you still have to continue to carry out your purpose in this earth. Grief is a natural process when one loses a loved one. Don't allow it to become your focus. Make your peace with God and yourself. You can't get back missed opportunities to show the person that you cared. So everyday show those you love that they are loved. My prayer is that God will fill the empty place left by your loved one with his peace. I am seeking peace. Today, I will honor my Mr. Babes AKA as Pastor Cat with this beautiful blog about the loved we still share. We have an unbreakable bond that even death couldn't break.
Until next time,
Your Favorite Ruby Girl
Lord thank you for my loved one that you now have in heaven with you. They finished the race, they have the prize. God heal my heart and fill the space left by them with peace. I can laugh again and I will experience the joy of the Lord in my life. God thank you for healing my broken heart. Remove guilt, hatred or anything else that is in my heart because of their death. My life will go forward and everything I do will honor them and fulfill the purpose you have for me. Forgive me for any anger or questioning of your Will. In Jesus Name.