Grief is a Gangster
For the past month, grief has assaulted, ripped out my heart and made me shed countless tears. Oh my friends, the loss of my cat of eleven years have changed me. Mr. Babes was my best friend and we had so many of "our" things that we did together. Grief the Gangster knows this and he reminds me daily that my best friend is no longer here. I am sure you have encountered Grief the Gangster. He bullies everyone after the loss of a loved one. He hits me with guilt as he reminds me that I did not stay with my cat until the end. No, I left with memories of him being alive. I could not handle seeing him take his last breathe. "Coward" grief calls me and I burst out in tears because I have no defense for leaving my baby when he needed me the most. I have to stop writing to cry because it is so painful to leave your child to die alone. Grief tells me that I betrayed him because he fought to stay alive for me. I can't even defend myself because grief has valid points. My mind even agrees with Grief that I could have saved Mr. Babes. "Maybe you should have let the doctor fix him so you could have taken him home and allowed nature to decide his fate. He looked good when you seen him, he would have lived but you killed him" my thoughts say to me. Grief is a Gangster that is relentless.
Has Grief ever ganged up on you? Did he torment you day and night until you were so consumed with pain that life had no meaning for you? Did he whisper in your ear and say, "You can't go on without...(insert name)". Yes, grief had me feeling this way. I was so focused on what I had lost that I could not see that I still had three cats left. Grief you are like the God of this world, blinding people to the truth and to what remains in their life.
A pet owner grief is no different than someone who has lost a loved one who is a human. We cry, and forget that they are no longer here. We have to discard the things they left behind and we are also left with a void in our heart. What makes it difficult for the pet owner is that sometimes we make the final decision which causes them to die. This brings on feelings of guilt that sometimes can be unbearable. Grief and guilt is not a good combination.
A week after Mr. Babes death, I was on my way to order some chicken tenders. I got excited because Mr. Babes loved to eat chicken tenders with me. I thought to myself, boy is he going to be surprised. Then Grief cruelly reminded me that there was no more Mr. Babes to share with. My whole countenance changed and Grief laughed at my tears. Have there been moments when you "forgot" your loved one was gone? Have you ever wanted to call and talk to the person but realized, you can't talk to them on the phone anymore? That is Grief hitting you in the gut and knocking you back into reality arms.
This last month, I have cried, screamed and reactivated my ulcer. I let Grief beat me to the ground but yet with God's strength, I managed to get through each day. I have told people I am okay but do you ever be okay after losing someone who took up so much space in your heart? Yes, with God's help. Time will help me to get some licks in when Grief the Gangster comes for me. When Grief tells me that life is not worth living without Mr. Babes, I remind him that God promised that I would have an abundant life. We can't die when our loved one dies, we must keep living. We must not idolized our dead loved ones. Life doesn't stop or not have any meaning because someone we loved died. It grieves God to see us stop living and give in to Grief. God is enough for us to continue to live and experience joy again.
I am not going to lie to you. I can't wait to get to heaven. I just know that standing at the feet of God will be my precious Mr. Babes. What a reunion that will be! Please be encouraged and fight Grief the Gangster. He will break your heart and leave you in the pit of despair. The pain he inflicts hurt but God will bind up your broken heart and apply a balm to your wounds. Keep praying for me as I pray for you. Remember that if you live for God you will meet your loved one again and you never ever will have to live without them again.
-Your favorite Ruby Girl